In July 2022, I wrote about gaining new hope after back-to-back ayahuasca ceremonies. I ended that post with this:
My life is seemingly falling apart. I’ve lost my job, I’ve broken up with my girlfriend of 6 months, and I’ve got one month left on my visa. I keep thinking; I should be stressed! – I’m not. I’m going into the unknown. I’m surrendering to what is. If anything, my “losses” have opened up the realm of infinite possibility. Whatever that may be.
Last week (2 months after the ceremony), my life stopped falling apart. The miracles I told my friends I desperately needed came through – I witnessed both on the same day!
So what happened?
The months after the ceremonies were turbulent. A blended up mess of faith in the universe, quiet desperation, and acceptance. The latter didn’t come easily. I authentically desired to stay in Colombia with my puppy, Richie. So accepting that I’d have to abandon my son for 3 months was like skewering my heart with a rusty knife. I wrestled with despair frequently. Often being saved by a hard session of Jiu-Jitsu or good night’s sleep.
The big revelation
The big revelation came when my friend from home, Greg, came to visit me in Medellín. A while back, we’d spoken about travelling together (a while back I had a job and knew where I was going to be living, so the thought of entertaining my friend with a diminishing bank account terrified me). Nevertheless, Greg arrived in Medellín. And, of course, we had fun. I showed Greg some of my favourite spots in Colombia. And I even enjoyed my first beer after 384 days sober. This is where the revelation comes in.
I realised for the last year I’d not allowed myself to enjoy life. I was so caught up in understanding myself, growing spiritually, becoming a better person, I’d shut myself off from actually enjoying life. Now, I don’t mean to say drinking alcohol = enjoying life. Far from it. But, for me, that beer represented joy and balance in other areas of my life. I learned what I needed to learn about myself from not drinking alcohol. I’d learned what I needed to learn about myself from the various ceremonies and retreats I’d done that year. Yet my life pendulum was out of whack. I’d maxed out the limiter. I needed to come back to my centre.
I’d created a world of suffering with the future result being joy. Well, there ain’t no future. Only now. So best start bloody enjoying it.
A few days after Greg left, I received another email from Immigration Colombia. Visa = inadmissible. Without going into details, I needed more random documents. This wasn’t even the first time it had happened. My heart sank and the quiet desperation became louder than ever. All while this was going on I was getting rejected by job after job. I didn’t think I could fight two stressful battles at the same time much longer.
It was then, the day before heading to Pereira (a city 8 hours from Medellín by bus) to pick up the random document I needed for my visa, I visited my friend Alex. He works with family constellation therapy. What is family constellation therapy?
From Very Well Mind: Family constellation therapy is a therapeutic intervention that a therapist might use in order to gain insight and information into a client’s family history, dynamics, and possible dysfunctional patterns.
Alex asked me to place the different coloured dolls, representing the energy of family members into a scenario; using feeling not thought. I was surprised when Alex explained the possible scenario I’d created. It revolved around my father’s bloodline (a common theme throughout my spiritual experiences). The first doll represented myself. I was lying down in the centre of the scenario. My dad stood beside me and my grandad behind him. My mother looked on from a distance in the corner of the scene. My permission to enjoy life (also represented by a doll) was also far away.
Alex asked if I’d ever know my grandfather. I hadn’t. He asked if he was an immigrant. I knew from my uncle’s obsession with family trees that my fathers side of the family had roots in South Africa and spells in India. Then it clicked. My insecurity toward knowing my place in the world could stem from the generations before me. Perhaps even further back than my grandfather.
After we discussed the scenario, Alex guided me through a visualisation. I spoke to my father and grandad – addressing them both. I relieved them of any attachment to the past, and I to them. I asked them to sit behind me, to guide me, putting myself first. Throughout the visualisation the fiercest storm brewed. Alex imagined Zeus thundering and lightening around us. Strangely, I’d met with Zeus during my first Ayahuasca experience. Did I just meet with him again?
We finished the exercise by re-organising the scene. This time my scene looked different. My father and grandfather were behind me, standing up. However, this time, Alex handed me another doll. I placed the yellow doll down far away from me. It represented life. I’d placed life as far away as possible. If I can’t experience life here and now, when can I experience it? Why did I see life as something so far away? Clearly, there was more work to be done.
Anyway, I left Alex’s feeling as though I’d moved something within me.
The big breakthrough
Something clicked. I’d been reading the 5th agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of the 4 agreements. A book I’d read twice before. Each time the message sunk in deeper. In a nutshell, he explains 4 agreements we should keep with ourselves. Here they are:
- Be impeccable with your words
- Don’t take things personally
- Don’t make assumptions
- Always do your best
The 5th agreement: Be skeptical, but learn to listen.
In other words, don’t believe yourself or anybody else unconditionally.
When I read “don’t believe yourself” it clicked. I’d believed so many of my thoughts without questioning where they came from.
“I’m not good enough”, “I’m not worthy”, “I’m not going to get the visa…”
Hand on a second. Who says so? My natural state is worthiness. I’m already good enough. My mind is creating stories about events that haven’t even happened.
It was time to question everything.
All the shit I’d learned covered my mind like a greenhouse splattered with mud pies until no light could get in or out. I’d spent all my adult life learning new ways to improve when really I needed to unlearn everything; to allow my true being to shine through again. To be open to receive life’s blessings. To be open to infinite possibilities. And, most importantly, stop believing the stories I’d make up about everything. Reality is reality. Yet our minds interpret reality in all sorts of ways. My stories would result in a downward spiral of negativity. Not anymore. I ain’t believing a word. Well, let’s see about that when the next big challenge comes up…
Manifesting miracles
A week later, my visa application is in process and I’ve been interviewed for another role. This one related to plant medicine and all things spiritual. To be honest, I didn’t even prepare for the interview. I did my due diligence, but I wanted things to flow.
Then, on the same Tuesday afternoon, I got welcomed to the team. And against all odds an email in my inbox with my new favourite Spanish word: APROBADA (approved).
I honestly believe I manifested the visa approval. I visualised and felt it as if it had already happened. Even down to the hug I gave my housemate when I shared the news.
After months of back and forth they approved my visa. After months of looking for work I got a job I wanted. I couldn’t believe it. I felt/feel so much joy, relief, and gratitude.
I’m grateful for the teachings life has given me the last few months. They funnelled me toward this spiritual breakthrough. This new chapter in my life. Right, I’m off to hang with Richie.
