In 6 days, I drink Ayahuasca for the first time. Between now and then I’m on the pre-ceremony “dieta”, a restricted diet you’re supposed to follow so the medicine gets to work more effectively. That means no alcohol, no meat, no sex, no spicy food, and no stuff you wouldn’t want to think about while tripping balls. It’s my first ceremony so I’m following everything to the letter. I’ve even bought beyond burgers for the BBQ I’m heading to later today. Now I’m sitting on my sofa thinking about if I really want to go. A social event with no alcohol as my crutch. And god forbid a meatless burger without chili. Fuck it, I’ve got to face the music sooner or later.
***
I got to the barbie early to settle the nerves. I warmed up my small talk game with an English girl and an American lad with great hair. It fell just past his ears, had few wisps of grey, and gently bobbed up and down as he spoke. I patted away at mine self-consciously. “Imma get these burgers fired up”, I said as the convo faded.
The guests arrived. I’d taken up my seat and was already inquiring about the strange beyond meatiness of my meatless burger. The English girl asked if she could eat the other one, “ sure” I said. I wish I didn’t. Then, as often is the case these days, the conversation turned to Ayahuasca. I was sandwiched between 2 girls who’d done a few ceremonies. One of the girls was English and the other Colombian, we’ll call her Lucy. Both gave each other knowing looks as if to say “this guy’s in for a ride”. I hadn’t felt nervous until then. My stoic stance had been rocked.
A few hours later, something realll strange happened. Lucy and I were having a deep conversation about life and how she’d felt the call to drink Ayahuasca again. And then, at that precise moment, Ivaylo, the ceremony facilitator walks onto the terrace. Lucy and I looked at each other in disbelief. If that wasn’t a slap in the chops from the universe, I don’t know what is.
Pre Ayahuasca ceremony circle
So on Tuesday, we all got together for the pre-ceremony meeting. I’m told this doesn’t happen with every ayahuasca ceremony, but ours being private, we’d get to know each other and our intentions. One by one people opened up about why they were called to drink Ayahuasca (or Yagé here in Colombia). This vulnerability had a profound effect on me. It was a reminder that behind every face is a story. A story we have no idea about or how it’s impacted someone’s life. I felt immense compassion not only for my new friends but for everyone. We’ve all internalized some emotional shit in our lives. Even if you feel you’ve had a privileged or relatively good upbringing, it’s likely the narrative runs some aspect of your life.
My intention for drinking Ayahuasca was centered around my relationship with my dad. I had a feeling I needed to explore it since taking mushrooms earlier in the year. In fact, mother earth told me we’d explore it during my journey, though I wasn’t sure what exactly. I had always felt as if something was missing between us. I guessed it stemmed from being very young at the time of my parent’s divorce. Naturally, with separations brought about by infidelity there was a lot of darkness in that period I must have internalised. And If anything, I was still resentful toward my dad. I knew he loved me and I love him. The emotion just ran deeper than that. Leading up to the pre-ceremony meeting I received an email from my uncle with recent photos of my dad. As I flicked through I broke down and cried like a little boy. He looked old. It brought it home that he won’t be around forever. Maybe that’s what mother earth was trying to tell me?
Friday. The day of the Ayahuasca ceremony.
Why did I get up so bloody early I pondered while gazing into my chamomile tea (coffee wasn’t part of the dieta either). We weren’t meeting until 5:30 pm. The swirling buzz of anxiety in my solar plexus was gonna be there for hours. I set the tea down, flipped up the lid of my MacBook, and chugged my banana and oat smoothie – the last meal of the day. I guess this is how it’s gonna be.
5 pm came around soon enough. I sat in the back of a yellow Medellín cab trying to close my ears to Sal y Perrear on the radio. The kind of content you expose yourself to is important prior to the ceremony too (even if a part of me wanted to see what effect listening to WAP on repeat would have). I took a deep breath and hopped out of the cab to join the group. We bundled into the cabs for the final leg of the journey. The next journey would happen within each of us in the Maloca in Santa Elena.
The Maloca in Santa Elena
Ayahuasca experience in Santa Elena
It was dark. I could only see with the torch on my iPhone. We trudged through the sludgy mud to the Maloca. By this point, the swirling buzz of anxiety in my chest felt like 90’s VHS static all over my body. Not unpleasant, but a reminder that I’m in the right place. I’m here for a reason.
I remember thinking the Maloca looked like a huge thatched teepee. It was wide and round at the base and the point of the roof rose as high as a school gymnasium. A fire roared in the center with our mats to the left and right. Everyone chose their spot for the night. I was going to be left sandwiched in the middle of the first row. Bugger, I don’t fancy that I thought. Then Ivaylo called me over and layed down a mat next to his spot at the back putting me at ease.
The mood changed in the Maloca. It was time to connect with our intentions. To prepare ourselves for the first step in the healing process. We sat around the fire to hear from our Shaman (or Taita in Colombia). He explained how the ceremony is only half of the work. The rest happens after the ceremony in our everyday life.
The ceremony
The pre-ceremony started with the ingestion of Rapé. The Taita had a didgeridoo-sized applicator which he filled with a pea-sized amount of the fine green powder. It’s common to ingest Rapé prior to drinking Ayahuasca to clean your energy and allow the medicine to do its work more efficiently. I’d used Rapé multiple times, but never with a bucket in front of me. He applied the first dose and I found out why. Perhaps this variety was stronger because retching noises and vomit followed. My turn. The first dose exploded in my brain like a firework. And then the second. Tears streamed down my face. I felt like someone had clamped jump wires on my hands. The energy was almost intolerable, but I relaxed into it and connected with my intention; courage.
When I found my balance, I sat on the stool with the eagle painted on it. I’ve always felt an attraction to this bird of prey. I’ve felt her guidance throughout my life. One by one we left our spots around the fire to drink. I was calm and bricking it at the same time. With a tap on the shoulder, I was led to the Taita. I had to break my meditative state when I saw him filling the cup with Ayahuasca from a bottle of Pony Malta. I took the cup. The liquid was thick a gloopy like syrup. I threw it down my throat. Aint’ no going back now…
The journey
I felt the medicine in my body. Surging. Scanning. Surely I’d be in another dimension in minutes. I laid on my mat. Then, nothing. What do you mean nothing? I’ve done everything right! I’m here for a reason! An hour passed (I think). I thought about asking for another cup, but even that made me feel nauseous. For some reason, thinking about another cup did the trick. I put my weight on my left elbow and pulled my bucket close – something in me was stirring. Something dark was crawling out. Without grossing you out too much, the vom that glooped out was not typical – it was like slow-moving burned lava. But man, when it came out I felt instant relief. I slumped back onto my mat and saw little kaleidoscopes in my vision. I closed my eyes and saw greyscale tiger prints. It was coming on fast and intense.
It’s impossible to put into words the experience that followed. And if you’re thinking of drinking Ayahuasca, you’re experience will be unique. But, this is my spiritual story so I’ve gotta at least try!
I was in my body, but my mind was somewhere else. The backs of my eyelids weren’t black anymore. I could see creatures in the darkness. Scary creatures with teeth and big eyes. The first I had to get past looked like a 3 headed Venom from spiderman. It’s weird. I wasn’t scared. I felt courage. I had the feeling going through the darkness was a test, so I kept going. More ant-like creatures gnashing their sharp teeth. This was nothing like my mushroom trip. This was hard. Suddenly, I saw pastel green in the darkness. Then pink. A rainbow leading me up and of this scary fucking place.
I burst through the rainbow wormhole into another dimension. This dimension felt kind. I wasn’t sure though, so I asked, “you are helping me, right?” – the words sounded like 10-year-old Nick. The entities didn’t say anything, they just chuckled. I felt at ease. Then I glided past a giant wall of blinking eyes. An eagle followed beside me made from gold, white, and brown geometric shapes (I’m aware this sounds hella weird). When I stopped, I saw giant metallic purple and green ants hovering over me. Long tubes descended down into my body. “You are healing me”, I repeated nervously. I heard the chuckle again and felt at ease again.
I wanted to speak with Pachamama (Mother Earth). She guided me beautifully through my mushroom journey, but I didn’t feel her presence yet. I called and she answered. At least, I think it was her. We traveled towards another entity. It looked like Zeus. In fact, it was Zeus. He had a lion’s mane of grey hair and stood over 100m tall. I could feel his power as he looked down at me. He radiated fatherly energy. Masculine energy. Then long, thick tubes sunk into my body and I felt his masculine energy enter my body. As it pumped in, insights about masculinity flooded my mind. I scribbled down everything I was learning in my journal.
I couldn’t believe it. THIS is what I was lacking. Grandmother Aya or Pachamama (I’m still not sure) told me I was receiving was a true gift. I could feel the responsibility that came with it. Perhaps even more so as I learn what it means to be a powerful man.
For the rest of the ceremony, I was buzzing. I watched the others around the fire from my mat. The music touched my soul and I fell deeper in love with the wonders of spirit, plant medicine, and this beautiful community. How grateful I was to find this path. When I felt okay to move, I made my way to the fire for the cleansing ceremony. The sounds and chants of Taita Giovanni weaved through our bodies disconnecting us from the medicine. I remember them as if it was yesterday.
Around the fire
The next morning we gathered around the fire to share our experiences. Some people had experienced otherworldly visions, others had felt the medicine working viscerally, and others got the insights they were looking for in the sharing circle. As I shared my experience, the girl next to me whispered in my ear “you met with the divine masculine”. That’s pretyy badass I thought. Later, the same girl told me to expect more insights to come my way in some form or another.
We wrapped up the ceremony and made our way back to Medellín. Despite a long sleepless night, I felt energised. I’d made a big step on my journey and I welcomed the next.
Post Ceremony Circle
A few days later we met in Poblado for the post-ceremony meeting. It was great to see everyone again. By sharing something so special together, these people had become my brothers and sisters. And even in the post-ceremony circle, you could see the progress people had made, but we all knew the real work had just begun.
Now, a few months on, I’m still doing the work and uncovering new awareness about how my childhood trauma had been affecting my relationships. Just as my sister had told me around the fire, people and life-changing books came into my life. I’ll be honest, it’s been overwhelming. I’ve felt guilt, shame, sadness, and all sorts of emotions as my worldview shits, and my perspective of who I am gets shook. I realised I’m not the person I’d told myself. I’m not the person I’ve shown the world. I’ve been governed by my childhood coping mechanisms. The unconscious behavior patterns I thought would get me love or prevent me from being abandoned had still been running. The books King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, and No More Mr. Nice Guy were key in unlocking this awareness. Even while writing this a friend of mine messaged me to say how much he needed to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I believe every guy should!
Believe it or not, until recently I had an internal dialogue of “what is wrong with me?” and “why am I like this?”. Sometimes I’d even say it out loud. That ain’t healthy. Now, I’m not blaming my parents. Far from it. They did the best they could and were dealing with their own shit from their childhoods. In fact, since the ceremony, I’ve spoken with my dad and my uncle about their dad (my grandad who I never met). He had been absent for much of their youth. Now, if anything, I feel it’s my responsibility to break this chain in my family.
En fin.
You might be thinking this all sounds a bit dramatic, Nick. Perhaps. But I want to be the best partner I can be, the best father I can be. I know for a fact, other men are unconsciously sabotaging their own relationships and lives because of their trauma. I’ve only just realised this at 32 years old! It may not be our fault, and it might be easier to blame our parents. We cannot. It’s our responsibility to become the men/ fathers our sons or daughters will be proud of. To live our lives as resilient, capable men. To take charge of our kingdoms. FOR SPARTA!! Okay, that bit was dramatic, but I passionately believe by changing our psychology from immature to mature we can achieve what we want in life and benefit those we love.
If you resonate with anything here, please send me an email, I’d love to hear from you. And if you’re thinking about drinking Ayahuasca in Colombia, I can’t recommend Ivaylo at Colibrí garden enough.
Love,
Nick
P.S. You can read about my life-changing mushroom journey here & beautiful Temazcal ceremony experience here.
