Back in March 2020, I arrived in Colombia alone 2 weeks before the world turned to shit. With one of the longest quarantines in the world, it’s safe to say I’m an expert at being alone. And can speak about coping with loneliness while traveling with more experience than I’d like.
Now, I’m an introvert. I like being alone by nature. So why do I go through periods of feeling terribly lonely?
Of course, I’m aware there is a difference between being alone and lonely so let’s clear that up first. According to Psychology today:
“Being alone is the physical state of not being with another individual, might it be human or animal (I don’t think you are ‘alone’ if you have a cat/dog pet with you, or any pet requiring daily care/interaction). Being lonely is a psychological state characterised by a distressing experience occurring when one’s social relationships are (self-)perceived to be less in quantity and quality than desired. So, when the social contact you have at a given time does not fulfill you.”
So you can be alone but not lonely. And surrounded by people and feel intense loneliness.
Got it.
So I guess I’d never experienced loneliness before this pandemic. Or perhaps not significant enough to notice how it affected me. When I’m experiencing loneliness (like I had been the month prior to writing this) I feel like there is a dull ache or longing for something in my soul. Like something is missing. Something that I can’t put my finger on until I satisfy my psychological need for quality interaction. Then, as if by magic, I feel the light returning to my soul or whatever neuro-chemicals are finally restored.
Obviously, it’s not just me that feels this way from time to time. And It’s thought this loneliness epidemic is getting worse pandemic or no pandemic. There are some fantastic insights as to why Johann Hari in his interview with Matt D’Avella. But here I’d like to share some coping strategies I’ve experimented with. And I reiterate the word experiment as I have zero qualifications to speak of on the matter other than my personal experience. In any case, perhaps what I’m learning may serve fellow travelers or anyone else looking for a way to cope when they fall into loneliness.
Vices to break?
Social Media addiction
You don’t need me to bang on about social media’s effect on our brains. If you’ve seen the social dilemma (you should) you already know we are merely a product to these companies. And, the correlation between the dawn of socials and the rise of mental health conditions speaks for itself.
But other than the constant hijacking of our brain’s reward system Cal Newport suggests we are doing more permanent damage. Every time we decide to feed our desire for a cheap hit of dopamine we interfere with our ability to concentrate for prolonged periods.
So, I decided to quit the social media platforms that I admit I’m addicted to; TikTok, Instagram, Tinder, Bumble, and Facebook.
I think you need to ask yourself the question: Is X application serving me? I appreciate people may use socials for work or keeping up with friends while traveling. However, if you feel overly interested in random people’s lives you’ve never met before. Or whipping your phone out of your pocket every 15 minutes out of habit. Something unhealthy is probably going on. Guilty.
The verdict?
It’s still too early in the experiment for me to give a concrete verdict. But I don’t feel less connected to people now Instagram is absent in my life. For me, it’s as if online communication doesn’t have the same effect whatsoever as human contact. Sure, a WhatsApp convo with friends is nice. Or, a catch-up on FaceTime with my family. But it doesn’t leave me with that feeling of true connection or fulfilment. There is evidence to support this given by Johan Harii in the same interview. Humans crave to be seen and heard. Something a screen can’t give us.
Now social media is out the way I give my attention to things that matter. I spend less time killing time. Whether it be aimlessly scrolling to relieve boredom or being alone with my thoughts. I read more. And work on things that are important to me. And I can focus without that niggling tug in my head wanting me to unlock, scroll, repeat. This self-love (if that’s what you want to call it) hasn’t made me feel less lonely, but I don’t feel as bad as I did when comparing my life to others on social media. I think that says it all really.
What about dating apps?
They work in the same way as all the apps on your phone. So they’ve gone as well.
I’m particularly interested in the effect of removing dating apps from my life. Regrettably, it’s more normal to meet guys or girls from a swipe on Tinder than striking up a conversation in real life. And with a pandemic, it’s even harder than before to meet the old-fashioned way. Of my last 5 dates, 3 came from a dating app…
But, ultimately, matching with women only fuelled the slot machine-like dopamine hits I desperately craved. Naturally, followed by silence, or the sudden death of the person you’re speaking to (I hate to say I’ve been that person who turns into Casper when the conversation runs dry). And if you look into the evil economics of Tinder, the odds are heavily stacked against guys looking for “the one” online. In the end, they had to go.
The verdict?
I’m torn with this one. On one hand, I despise them. But I can’t deny I’ve had some great connections with girls I’ve met from dating apps. And during the pandemic, it’s pretty much your only option. Having said that, I’m staying off them for now. I feel I need a break. But no doubt I’ll be back if it goes too long…
To Fap or Not To Fap
Touchy subject this one…(I’ll show myself out). For those of you who aren’t familiar with the No Fap movement, it’s abstaining from porn and masturbation altogether. It dovetails in nicely with quitting social media as you pretty much are just giving your brain a quick artificial high. Often followed by an all-consuming emptiness and self-hatred known as post-nut clarity.
Anyway, jerking yourself into oblivion with no rumpy-pumpy on the horizon is a recipe for self-loathing. One nut broke the camel’s back so to speak so I decided enough was enough. As of writing this, I haven’t cuffed the carrot in over 2 months.
The verdict?
Amazing decision. Not only from a moral point of view (by watching porn you are inadvertently supporting the exploitation of women around the world). But from a general well-being perspective.
On a side note, various No fappers claim they developed “superpowers” by abstaining from masturbation. Women start throwing themselves at you apparently… I wouldn’t go that far, but I can vouch 100% for increased energy, focus, and confidence. Even the girls I’ve told about this have told me how sexy they think it is. So maybe there is some truth behind it.
Now, I will say this: the first week is not easy. You have to be one disciplined mofo and exert A LOT of self-control. The whole first month you’ll likely feel horny AF and have the urge to start tugging at the old boy on the regs. But resist my friend. By the second month, you’ll be through the worst of it. This in itself is an accomplishment that brings with it more confidence. Oddly I feel I’m coping with loneliness more effectively despite the lack of female attention.
Virtues to Cultivate?
Forced community
Community in a Pandemic? Sounds kinda Oxymoronic to me. Yes but let’s fast forward to when those sweaty establishments re-opened.
Okay, this is pretty obvious. But when you’re traveling alone and mainly staying in apartments you lose the traveler community. Having said that, even as a backpacker I went through lonely spells. Sometimes you just don’t click with anyone in the hostel or it’s dead. And remember, even surrounded by people you can still feel alone!
That’s why I’m a fan of activities that force me to be social (I guess ring of fire is social but getting battered all the time is somewhat counterproductive). So if there is a sport you enjoy, get in the Facebook groups and find your people (I literally only use FB for this and on desktop only!). Or if you suck at sports try something like CrossFit or Brazilian JiuJitsu. These sports cultivate a community feel and are welcoming to all levels.
Besides, there is evidence to suggest that finding your tribe or community can almost immediately alleviate loneliness. In my experience, one meaningful conversation and I’m feeling energised again. It’s crazy how instantaneous it is.
So If anything you have to put yourself out there as much as possible. Sign up and show up. The more scared and uncomfortable you feel the better.
The verdict?
If you’re feeling alone YOU HAVE TO join some kind of group. It forces you to do the thing. I know how tempting it is to sack in off. Especially for us introverts.
Now, you may not connect with people right away so don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t get a new bezzie right away. But when people see your face showing up time after time the ice breaks naturally. If you’re doing something physical the endorphins high is enough to make you feel great anyway.
Geting thoughts on paper
One of the modern greats in productivity hacking James Clear said this:
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Your goal is your desired outcome. Your system is the collection of daily habits that will get you there.”
I’ve gradually added habits into my life for the past 5 years. I believe they are the reason I can stay productive and mentally healthy despite the feeling of loneliness.
Of those habits, meditation and journaling have had the biggest positive impact on managing my mental health i.e. coping with loneliness
I’m sure you know about the benefits of both already. Just please don’t be one of those people who say “Oh, but my mind is just so active”. That only means you’re earlier in the process. And besides, getting rid of thoughts isn’t the point. Notice them. Recognize them. And appreciate you are not your thoughts. This may not make sense right now to some of you. So I recommend a book that helped me work up from 30 seconds (yes, 30 seconds) to 30 minutes at one point.
Nowadays I settle for 10 minutes each morning. This is enough for me to be aware of my thoughts and catch myself from getting pulled into them. Some of the time anyway. That ability to catch your thoughts before they turn into feelings of sadness or self-pity is a real superpower. Obviously, you can’t do it every time but it’s better than getting pulled into the feeling of loneliness all the time.
I couple meditation with journaling. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be Shakespeare. It’s literally dumping the shit in your brain onto sheets of paper. In fact, the more negative the better. You’ll be surprised how you can begin to turn negative Nigel chatter into a positive patter. Seriously, I can’t recommend enough getting your thoughts onto paper. It’s like a physical purge of toxic thoughts in your mind. Moreover, you have a daily record of things that happen in your life. Hopefully, you’re writing some nice things that have happened as well. I love flicking through my journals and remembering special moments from my travels. I always finish with 3 things I’m grateful for. That way you don’t go to bed with some loitering neg vibes.
James Clear’s Atomic Habits tells you everything you need to know about habits. Creating good ones and how to eliminate bad ones… *Cough* Instagram *cough*.
The verdict?
Neither meditation nor journaling removes my feeling of loneliness. However, I’m sure both prevent it from becoming something deeper. I’m more aware of my thoughts and able to look at loneliness more objectively. Not to mention it’s a great practice for your overall mental health. You’ll find yourself coping better in all mentally challenging situations.
In the end, think like a Roman Emperor
Finally, coping with loneliness led me down the path to Stoicism. (If you’re unfamiliar with Stoicism, read how to think like a Roman emperor by Donald Robertson). Donald explains how CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) derives from the practice of stoicism. And how therapists, for many decades, taught their clients the famous quote from Epictetus:
“It’s not things that upset us but our judgments about things”
To that end, I’ve begun framing loneliness as a challenge to overcome. Merely another monster on the path of the hero’s journey.
And, although my experiments haven’t replaced a deep meaningful connection with someone. What harm can it do to be in the right frame of mind when the time comes. Because when you’re traveling the opportunity to meet amazing people is always around the corner.
Let me know if you have any other strategies that have worked for you. I’d love to hear them!
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