The Nick of 7-ish months ago feels like a distant memory. Since my first psychedelic experience with psilocybin mushrooms, I’ve dug deep into my psyche.
Back then, I wrote about my apathy for life. My internal dialogue of what’s wrong with me? I felt bored with living most of the time. I was playing the victim.
Life still isn’t perfect. It never will be. But now I understand I’m in control of this imperfectly perfect life. It’s a gift, a teacher. It’s happening FOR me, not TO me.
In fact, today I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror, and told myself directly in the eyes; I love myself, I am enough, I am worthy. And you know what? I fucking believed it.
Sure, I fall back into old behaviors and thought patterns. Sometimes very dark thought patterns about not wanting to live, but I can catch myself. Even laugh at myself. I’m grateful I’ve got the tools to let my light conquer the darkness.
So what happened?
The weeks after my first psilocybin mushroom ceremony were bliss. I felt connected to Pachamama, nature, myself. Gratitude came more naturally than ever. Is this me from now on? I hope so!
Let me tell you, it takes work to stay so connected. The ceremony is only the tip of the iceberg. Integrating that shit is a different story.
As I came down from my life high, I looked for the next step on my spiritual path. A few months later, I joined a Temazcal ceremony followed by my first Ayahuasca ceremony the week after. Both in Colombia. Both amazing experiences. Both facilitated by my friend Ivaylo.
The Ayahuasca ceremony helped me go even deeper into my psyche. The theme was focused on my relationship with my dad, my romantic relationships, my masculine energy. I began to realise I was on this journey for a reason.
But how can I make this new knowledge stick? I knew these insights would fade.
Then, days after the ayahuasca ceremony, my ex-girlfriend mentioned therapy. I hadn’t thought about it until then. If anyone, she knew how I’d been showing up in relationships. She was right – I needed help.
Enter: Coaching
Our Ayahuasca group met for the post-ceremony integration circle. It helped to hear how the experienced drinkers in the group integrated the insights that can stew in the mind following such an experience. Ivaylo spoke about giving names and characters to the roles we play in our lives. The victim, the worrier, the whatever story we play in certain situations. This resonated. I’d not observed those roles before, but I sure as fuck played them. Fortunately, the universe was to work its magic again…
The integration circle wrapped up and we said our goodbyes. As I was leaving Ivaylo asked if I’d like to be his first coaching client. It felt right. Support from someone I trust and a story I resonate with. Sure, I’d love to, I said. Let’s chat about it when I get back from Bogotá.
On the way to Bogotá, something peculiar happened. I was in the cab to the airport… But which airport!? Screamed my mind. There are two Medellín airports. I felt dread in my stomach. I dived into my pocket for my phone, opened my emails, my heart racing. Jose María Cordova. Phew, I’m good. I realised I’d just witnessed my first role; The Worrier. Obviously, I was going to the right place. I knew when I booked the bleedin’ flights. Yet, I let my mind pull me into a frenzy.
The rest of the weekend, I observed and named different emotions I experienced. I noticed how much I had to control things, how much I’d lust over attractive women I’d seen, how much time I spend in the future. I’d never given it much thought before.
The 8-week transformation
First coaching call
I took a deep breath and clicked the zoom link. Ivaylo’s face appeared on my screen. He smiled with infectious enthusiasm. The kind you’d get from your best mate when you tell him you bagged a date with the girl you fancy. We settled into a meditation followed by a quick check-in; How we’re feeling. How our week went. Complete openness.
The theme for today? Roles. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I explained my hiccup on the way to Bogotá. Then we went deeper into areas of my life where past programming could be affecting my relationships, success, and wellbeing. As Ivaylo shared his roles, one particularly resonated with me; The Nice Guy. In a few weeks, I’d find out why.
Giving emotions names & characters
Understanding the roles we play alone is hard. It takes a shit ton of awareness to observe them (well, for me anyway). Ivaylo has a gift for questioning beliefs and offering new perspectives. Our conversations helped give me more clarity on the roles I play. The positive, negative, or both.
The exercise went something like this:
Name
Wotsit the Worrier
Origin Story
Programmed to fear the worst possible outcome in any given situation. Always told to be careful and not to take risks.
Catchphrases (internal/external)
“But what if X happens?”
“It’s better to not try than feel the shame of failure.”
Values
Worry
Stress
Anxiety
Inaction
Qualities/Actions/Personality Traits
Scared to take action or act out of fear of the feeling of fear. Thinks the worst will happen. Unsure of himself. Full of self-doubt.
Desires for you
Wants me to feel secure and certain. To protect me from feeling disappointed, embarrassed, or like a failure.
Greatest Fear
The future. Unmet expectations.
How has their superpower benefitted you?
I’m able to analyse situations and make methodical careful plans to achieve them.
How has their Achilles Heel hurt you?
If things aren’t going as I planned, I feel insecure. I may not act or when I do it’s out of fear rather than love. If I can’t control the situation, I find it hard to let go and let the universe do her work.
What makes them upset/mad?
When I act despite the fear. When I take the leap of faith.
By the end of the exercise, I had uncovered 6 roles. Most of them destructive. But at least now I could shine awareness on them.
Awareness is the key
Awareness unlocks change. But how? How do I disrupt destructive roles and step into the role that lands me my dream girl, dream profession, dream life?
We spent time re-creating the previous roles exercise with all the qualities of a capable, abundant man. The True King. The person I strive to show up as. So, I spent the following weeks connecting with him. Ivaylo had me set an alarm for every hour of the day. I’d check in with how I felt and journal the role I was playing the last hour. Then, I’d ask the question: how would The True King be in this moment? Some days were harder than others, but it helped break the pattern of the negative roles. In fact, during this exercise, I found out how deep my Nice Guy programming went…
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Fuckkk I thought. I laid my kindle on my bed and slumped against the wall reflecting on what I’d read. Feelings of guilt and shame swept through my body and my mind raced.
I’d started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Ivaylo had recommended the book on one of our calls. The more I read, the more I resonated with the described “Nice Guy” behavior. Particularly in my romantic relationships. Even now I’m screwing my face up in disbelief.
This is going to sound obvious and stupid, but I didn’t realise that I’m responsible for getting my needs met in relationships. I’d subconsciously think the women I date should be perfect. I shouldn’t need to tell them what I want. They should know because they are perfect. I know, fucking ridiculous! I’m embarrassed writing it.
Yet, when I think back on relationships, it was true. When my needs weren’t met, I’d feel resentful toward my partner. That resentment would lead to breakups. It pains me to think things could have been different with some amazing women. But, hey, this is where I am now. I can only do better.
I resonated with almost all the examples in the book. Even reading about nice guys obsessing over their hair made me drop another fuckkk. I felt as if someone took a sledgehammer to my world and pulled out the truth from my subconscious. The more I read, the more I resonated, the more I felt overwhelmed.
The overwhelm became an obsession for the truth (It still is). I started by attending a men’s circle here in Medellín. It’s not often you get to be vulnerable with a group of men. To share your truth. To share your dark side. The openness without judgment helped me a lot. In his book, Glover suggests the following to reclaiming one’s masculinity:
- Connecting with other men.
- Getting strong.
- Finding healthy male role models.
- Reexamining one’s relationship with one’s father.
Unknowingly, I’d already started the journey. As if the mushrooms, to ayahuasca, to my coaching with Ivaylo was leading down the path of reclaiming my masculinity. Because of the men’s circle, I’m connecting with other men. Because of Jiu-Jitsu I’m getting strong and finding healthy role models. And because my dad is unwell, I’ve been forced (in a positive way) to reexamine our relationship. Somehow everything is connected. I believe I need to break the generational chain of absent fathers in my family. To be the father we wished we had growing up. Apparently, an absent father is common among Nice Guys.
I don’t claim to be cured of my nice guy traits. I’m still in recovery. But I’ve unlocked awareness about this important role. I realised I’d been terrible at setting boundaries. For example, in one relationship, I’d be guilted into doing things I didn’t want to. Instead of being clear on my decision, I’d reluctantly agree to do things. This made me feel resentful. I couldn’t override my programming making me believe that’s how I’d get my needs met. As Glover says: Nice guys believe that if they are “good” and do everything “right”, they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem free life.
In reality, I was far from a nice guy. I wasn’t being truthful.
In fact, the Nice Guy behaviour can spill over into all areas of our lives. Not getting good sex? Not attracting the right women? Not as successful as you’d like? Not leading a fulfilling life?
If you have the slightest inclination you’re a Nice Guy, Glover’s book is game-changing. Two of my friends have told me the same thing.
What’s next?
The next step for me is getting closer to the truth. Hence the name I gave my higher self: The True King. Every day I connect with this energy and when faced with challenges, I ask myself; what would the true king do?
It’s helpful to have a coach or friend to ask you the question when you get trapped in a destructive role. When we catch up and I sound like I’m acting a victim Ivaylo will ask me the same thing. He continues to be a supportive friend and I’m grateful for our paths crossing. His coaching was another invaluable tool on my healing journey.
A journey that isn’t finished or easy. I ride a wave of progress and then an inevitable obstacle comes along to face plant me into the riptide. I’ve needed the resources, tools, and support to get back up. What else would The True King do?
Love
Nick
P.S. If you feel plant medicines or coaching could help you, I recommend Ivaylo wholeheartedly. Get in touch via his website @ Colibrí Garden.
Or, if you’d like to chat or have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email.
